One of those days.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just wish things in life could be a lot easier than they are at times. I do....and today is one of those days. I have been thinking about how long I have been alone and how lonely I am really becoming without having a significant other in my life. Sure, I have been lucky enough to be able to date a few people here and there and have talked to many guys online, however, it never and I mean never goes anywhere. It's hitting me today as things in my life have become, well, complicated to say the least. Here is how this whole day began....

I lost my job in June, and have been unemployed now for a little over 3 weeks. I decided to let my pride go and called my previous employer and now have an interview with them on Monday (tomorrow actually). The hours that would be available, should I be offered my old job back, would be night shift - 10pm - 6:30am. Now this wouldn't normally be an issue, because Gavin normally stayed by his dad when I worked first shift for these past 4 years, however, if I were to be offered this new shift - it also means different days, different weekends from what I was working and the worst part, what do I do with Gavin on Sunday nights when I would have to work? I asked Jeremy - because I know that he has previous commitments, however, I can NEVER keep his schedule straight when it comes to the weekends. Turns out my worst fear has come true...he is out of town on the Sunday night shift and that means, now what?  I need this job more than anything right now.

So, this brought me to the next realization, I am alone, and becoming more increasingly lonely and depressed that I have been alone and no relationship really since breaking up with Scott back in 2008. Now, as I mentioned, yes, I have talked with other men, but no serious dating and somehow, when I started going through my divorce, never in a million years did I think I would still be alone at this point in my life. It's been since 2007.....I am someone who has never been alone for more than maybe a month after a break-up of some sort with a significant other. I never imagined going through a divorce either, always thought I would be with my "soul mate" forever. Only, my forever ended as we all know, in January 2007.

So, here I am alone, struggling to deal with life at times because of all of the crap I seem to have that hits me, and really wishing I was married again, so that I would be able to lean on my spouse in times like this. Do you know how hard it is to deal with all of these friggin' emotions on your own all the time? It's hard, sometimes too hard. Sure, I call my sister and my dad, sometimes I break down and cry hard with my friends, but I hate to always have to be such a downer for every one - and I hate to make it an "oh whoa is Deanna" moment. But truly, tonight and these past few weeks really shows me how much I miss having someone to talk to, to have a big hug and kiss when I need it, and someone who is there to hold me and take care of me when I need it.

I have made so many changes in my life recently to try to help me cope with all of this. I really became proactive in networking, I started to work out again daily in order to help me feel better and stronger about myself, and now, I just want to become more proactive in the terms of finding a man to date and see where perhaps things would lead to.

I know that God doesn't hand us more than he feels that we can handle, but I really feel like I am at the end of my rope, and honestly don't know how much more I can put on my plate without losing it, seriously. :(

Well, before I feel like all I am doing is babbling on, I am going to say goodnight for now, and hopefully as I figure things out and get my shit together, I will be on this blog more often - just spilling it out as needed. After all, I started this many years ago as a way to get things out and share my art with others, and so many of you have been there for me so many times....so it's time that I stop ignoring my feelings and find ways to once again cope. Thanks for whoever is reading this - thanks for making it through all of this tonight.